Little Girl, Big Girl
LAUREN… “You’re such a big girl!” we say to our daughters when they take their first steps or leave diapers behind or learn to dress themselves, or when they head off to pre-school or kindergarten. There are so many transitions between little and big, so many milestones on this road: first word, first sentence, first tying of shoelaces, first book, first recital. But what about the transition from girl to woman? Where are the landmarks there?
For most of human history that transition was signaled by the onset of puberty. Modern science has, of course, calculated, quantified and, well, scientized puberty, taking it out of the realm of ritual and menstrual hut. Now we have “Tanner stages” that measure just where along the road our girls are as they march toward womanhood.
And they are marching faster and faster. Perhaps you will be as flabbergasted as I was to learn that half of all U.S. girls show signs of breast development by their tenth birthday, and 14 percent grow breast buds between ages 8 and 9. New recommendations for the age at which puberty should be considered “precocious” and therefore, perhaps, related to an imbalance or disease, have been lowered from 8 years to 7 years for white girls and to 6 years for black girls. I know all this because when Lizzie started to “develop” at the end of fourth grade, I panicked, took her to the doctor and then read everything I could get my hands on about early puberty.
So is a girl a woman at 8 or 9 or 10 because she bleeds every month? I don’t think so.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently – this girl to woman thing – because Lizzie has her first serious boyfriend. Yes, that first date (if you’ve been following the blog, you know) turned into a second, third, fourth. The boy has evolved from Person of Interest to Crush to Center of Universe. Watching this – with both joy (he is a sweet kid and really likes her) and trepidation (you know, s-e-x) – I’ve been thinking about “first love” as the marker between girl and woman. I remember my first love. I remember the elation, the power, the secret inner life that was so much richer than my parents could imagine. I remember that deepening inside of me, the stretching of my emotional self that was glorious and painful at the same time.
Is this happening for Lizzie? She is silent on the matter. Oh, she talks about him constantly — but not about her feelings for him, not about the inner life she’s leading. And I know that’s how it should be. I understand. I’ve been there. And I’m thinking now that maybe this is the transition to womanhood: when a girl begins to develop her own private inner life.
March 20th, 2010 at 9:44 am
I think that a “private inner life” happens a lot sooner than the teenage years. My mother can remember the moment when she realized she could have a private inner life: When she was about 6 or 7 her parents were talking and she was trying to break into their conversation and they kept shushing her for some reason (maybe what they were talking about was important?), and she had the realization that she could keep whatever she had to say to herself and have her own private thoughts. She loved that feeling and developed it from then on.
As for motherly help for the transition to womanhood, I hope you’ve taken Lizzie to get birth control, just in case. . . And personally, I wouldn’t worry so much about the sex if you like this relationship.
March 20th, 2010 at 11:41 am
I see the need to be private about the seismic pull of the first taste of a ‘love life” as being different from the private inner life developed at an earlier age. Unless the younger child is precocious enough to be catapulted into some world that has the power to take over his or her reality (books don’t count, their ending is imminent) – the former “inner life” is a withdrawal or retreat as opposed to the latter which is a preparation for possible osmosis !?!
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THe journey into the depths of self caused by the magnetic pull of a first sexual relationship – the journey one HAS to take alone ..the journey that is too mysterious to share….. is a very poignant and fitting transition to womanhood.
March 21st, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Little girl = 3. (Most girls don’t like to be described as “little” but you haven’t figured that out at age 3.)
Big girl = 9. (When being a “big girl” still sounds like a compliment. At 10, “big girl” becomes demeaning. You have reached double digits, after all.)
Womyn = sophomore year of college
Woman = 24 (By this time, you should have a year’s worth of full-time paychecks, your parents can no longer claim you as a dependent, and you must, by most states’ laws, figure out your own health insurance Also, for the first time, you realize the importance of a good credit score.)
April 23rd, 2010 at 8:39 am
Little girl = 3. (Most girls don’t like to be described as “little” but you haven’t figured that out at age 3.)
Big girl = 9. (When being a “big girl” still sounds like a compliment. At 10, “big girl” becomes demeaning. You have reached double digits, after all.)
Womyn = sophomore year of college
Woman = 24 (By this time, you should have a year’s worth of full-time paychecks, your parents can no longer claim you as a dependent, and you must, by most states’ laws, figure out your own health insurance Also, for the first time, you realize the importance of a good credit score.)